Ah, John-Paul is at it again. Just got 4 emails. All I needed to know was the time, the place, and attach the script thank you.
But no, John-Paul gave me so much more. His trip to California. His inability to convert a document. His family problems.
Check out this brilliant trail of communication:
EMAIL #1:
Dear Cranky,
Thank you for you interest in auditioning for the role of BRIAN’S MOTHER. I have scheduled you for the 4:00 pm time slot this Friday. The auditions will be held in NYC and will last fifteen minutes. I will be sending your character’s portion of the script tomorrow. I am sorry for the delay, but I have to convert the script’s format into a readable doc file. Feel free to read from the scene of your choice.
If there are any problems with the time I have selected, please notify me immediately so changes can be made. It will be difficult to change the schedule, but I will try to work it out.
Larry Schmoe, the project’s producer, will be sending you further information, such as, the address of the location where auditions will be held.
We look forward to meeting you Friday.
John-Paul Dunderhead
Very personal as I can see the 14 other people he sent it to. Still hasn’t learned how to do the BCC? And when I get the script it is one page, one scene. Scene of my choice?
For what kind of person does it take 24 hours to convert a document into a different format? A retard, that’s what kind of person. Really this is too much now!
EMAIL # 2
Dear Cranky,
Here is the Mother’s scene. It is in a PDF file format because I was unable to convert it into a Word Document. . You are welcome to give a brief monologue of your own.
Larry Schmoe (producer) will be contacting you today with the address of the location where the audition will be held in NYC.
Sorry for the late reply. I had to go to California for a couple days for a family thing and just got back last night. I am creating the auditions schedule today and will send it out tonight along with the script. I have taken all desired scheduling times into consideration and will get back to you shortly. Thank you for your patients.
John-Paul Dunderhead
“PATIENTS?” “PATIENTS?” What? Huh? All the actors in hospital gowns I’ve been sending you? “Thank you for your patients?” Is English this guys first language? I know I seem harsh, but this is someone in a MASTERS program and that is just fucking scary!
I am so tempted to go in and do the courtroom monologue from “Nell”. The Jodie Foster movie. For those of you who missed it, “Nell” is unable to speak properly. She makes incomprehensible noises and gestures a lot. Should I do it? How would they react?
I will scream, “NOOOAH CRYAAAAH FUUUU NEEELLL! “ while gesticulating wildly and acting spastic. What if I went on for like 10 minutes and was completely unintelligible? Would they keep a straight face? Actually, I might be the first person speaking to these guys in their native language. I’m sure they will have “patients” with me.
Oh, oh and here is some dialogue from the scene John-Paul sent me: “Brian had a ruff day yesterday. He was turned down from another job.”
Was he BARKING all day? “Ruff ruff! Also, I’ve been turned down “FOR” a job but never “FROM” a job. How do you get turned down “FROM” a job? Maybe the building expels you?
And John-Paul, don’t you know the address? Why do we need a separate email for that? And he is “creating the auditions schedule”? Are you making it out of clay? Uh, are you short on apostrophes, dude?
Should I go tomorrow? I can’t decide.
EMAIL #3:
Hello everyone,
This is Larry Schmoe and I am the producer of Fire on the Roof Production’s untitled comedy pilot that John-Paul Dunderhead is directing. We are looking forward to meeting you all and are very excited for this production. Paul Michael has sent you individual times for you to audition. If there are any conflicts with the time slots please respond as soon as possible
The auditions will take place this Friday March 13th at Shelter Studios on 244 West 54th St between Broadway and 8th Ave.
Larry Schmoe
He is excited ‘FOR” the production just like the character in the script got turn down “FROM” a job.
Birds of a feather these two. Now we can see that this director and his producer are a match made in heaven.
EMAIL #4:
Hello Everyone,
Sorry, I meant Shetler Studios not Shelter Studios. Just making that correction,
Larry Schmoe
AH-HUH!! Birds of a fucking feather!
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