Got another really choice email yesterday. Things better pick up soon. That’s all I can say. Thus is the sad state of affairs in my acting work. This is a new low, even for Cranky.
My comments are in regular type. The email is in quotes and in bold:
“Dear Cranky:
My name is Gino Insultinga, and I am the writer/director of the project “Stewey Stoney.”
The reason I’m e-mailing is because I’m following up on your request to audition for the role of “Honey.” I wasn’t sure you were exactly right for the role of Honey, However, I thought you had a great look and were right for another character. “
If you thought my look was so great how come you never bothered to meet me in person Mr. Insultinga? Huh? Huh? Or are you just buttering me up for the next BOMB you’re gonna drop in your email?
He continues:
“The main character’s ex-wife, Penny, never appears in the film in person. However, her photograph is the most prominent and re-occurring image of the film.”
STOP RIGHT THERE! In other words, you don’t feel I could play the speaking role in your film, but you do think I am perfect to play an INANIMATE OBJECT! Ouch!
“It is a picture that essentially drives the main character’s story forward.”
Oh, so I am not just an inanimate object but an important inanimate object. Oh, oh, now I am running to do it.
“I would love for you to consider coming in to a photo-shoot, and posing for a photograph for our film. The main character is being played by the actor Tom McManus, who has appeared recently opposite Phillip Seymour Hoffman.”
Another inducement! I am playing, no hanging, opposite an actor who recently played opposite someone famous. How does this help me? Can I put “played a picture hanging in a room with an actor who once played opposite Philip Seymour Hoffman” on my resume? Is this the first step on the staircase to fame? It seems a bit more than six degrees of separation. What is the degree of separation between living people and inanimate objects on the social scale?
Am and I supposed to think that the guy who played opposite the famous guy is gonna get attention for the film? And then, that when people see the film, they are all gonna say, “Wow, that was a great film. But the actress who played the picture, SHE WAS REALLY GREAT!” Is there a chance I will get discovered playing an inanimate object? Yeah. A fat chance.
“Also he would be featured in the photograph with you.”
A memento of how low my career has plummeted? Great. Or can I get a copy and put it on my refrigerator and tell my friends that that guy in the picture once played opposite Philip Seymour Hoffman?
“Our director of photography who will be shooting the picture is named Bobby Burra. Please feel free to view his reel at: ________________”
I’m sorry, but why would I care? He is the director of moving photography. And not only would I not be speaking in the film, I ah, won’t be moving either. This is beyond the old axiom that there are no small roles, only small actors. That is a bunch of crap. That is something some director made up to get an actor to accept some demoralizing one liner. Or a role as a fucking photograph. Give me a break.
“We have an incredibly talented crew, and I would be more than happy to give you as much information as you’d need.
Thanks very much, I’ll look forward to hearing from you,
-Gino”
And what information would I need if I decided to play the photograph? The story line? No. The shooting dates? No. The location? No. The call sheet? No. Whether I need my head examined? Yes.
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