Got an email the other day that was mostly incomprehensible to me. Like I didn’t get the point of it or anything. Just reading it was major league irritating. Couldn’t believe how stupid it was so kept reading it over and over and irritated myself even more.
Here it is:
“Hello
Thank you for the prompt response, all information is currently being processed.”
Hello- you have only said a few words and I already hate you. “Processed?” Why do you sound like the auto-response I get from JCrew when I place an order? More familiar with online shopping than with casting perhaps?
“The last few successful applicants will be responded to in the next couple of days, with an invite to the auditions.”
Ok, now it sounds like some fucked up sweepstakes or something. “The last few successful applicants?” All this needs is a “SO ACT NOW” at the end of it. So very Publisher’s Clearing House.
“If you would like to contact me personally, or maybe have a discussion about anything regarding the film, auditions etc, I am always about on Ind-E-Focus.”
Ah, no, I really DON’T want to contact you personally. Why would I want to contact you personally? Advanced begging? I know absolutely NOTHING about this film. What project are you talking about? Does it have a name? Also “always about” is a nauseating turn of phrase,
“As I mentioned in my original casting call, I am using Ind-E-Focus to keep an online account of all cast and crew applicants, it is a lot easier for me to keep all of your details here and respond to you instantly.”
Ah, easy for you. What about me? And what is so instant about it? I think email is pretty instant. And whatever you “mentioned” I don’t remember. I don’t remember reading anybody’s casting call. No one does. We hit “reply” and send our info and forget about it. If we did remember all of them we would have to be like rain man like. And why would I be interested in how you are keeping track of all the “applicants”?
“I will look out for you on Ind-E-Focus, any doubts of my whereabouts, check my profile page under the username NaimaGeraldson.”
No, I have no doubts about your WHEREABOUTS, only your IQ. I seriously don’t know what this means. Like I am sitting around wondering where Naima is? Is she at the supermarket? Is she online shopping at JCrew? I wonder where she is?
“There you may personal message me and send across your details.”
I already sent a headshot and resume. What details? My mood at the moment? And I still can’t figure out where or why why why.
“I have created a post in the message boards titled System Defect, but it has now been locked, however, keep checking this post.”
Great idea. I have nothing else to do. I will definitely keep checking it until it is unlocked. No problem. I am already loving how “instant” this all is. Sounds like the brain trust on this project is out to lunch. Great idea sending everyone to a message board that is locked. That is so original. I’m sure your project is going to be super organized when in production.
“I will be informing everyone when the audition process is finalized and the applicants have all been chosen.
Best of Luck
Naima Geraldson”
Best of Luck? What is this the lottery? Are all our names on little balls and are they are spinning in some cage somewhere and the winners are gonna pop out or something?
Out of curiosity I went to the website and could find nothing. No Naima, no postings with the title system defect. Nothing. This is one of the top weird casting emails I have ever gotten. Once again, actors want to be contacted with an audition time and place. Whatever happens in between is your business.
Just to annoy the annoyer I sent this reply to Naima:
“Hi Naima -
Just found this email in my inbox. What is this about? Am I supposed to do something? What project is this?
Thanks,
Cranky”
A little of a bit of inanity for the inane.
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