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Behind Every Great Actress Is A Great Dermatologist

Published May 6, 2009 acting , Actress , comedy , film , show business , Uncategorized 3 Comments
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I went to the dermatologist today. I am going to be meeting with a commercial agent soon and I want to stay in the fiber category and not be pushed into the arthritis medicine category.

The guy I go to is a total fucking magician. Walk in feeling decrepit and walk out feeling like a sex bomb. Invisible on the subway on the way there and leered at by the Puerto Ricans on the way home.

It was so weird how I found him. It was serendipity really. I was in Bigelow Pharmacy in the Village one day and I noticed this guy who REALLY seemed to know his products. And he looked soooooo fabulous. He had a powder blue shearling coat with a big shaggy white collar and cuffs and great hair.

So I casually shadowed him to see if I could pick up some free beauty tips. We started a conversation about the pros and cons of various brands of lip plumpers. And I casually threw into the conversation a question about what a girl should do if she wanted to like refresh her look. “Oh sweetie, go to Dr. Colbert,” he said.

His name was Zac. I found out later that he is like an upper crust hair guy with only private clients who made his name doing The Spice Girls. Cranky can pick ‘em.

So I went directly to Dr. Colbert. It was all so serene and nice. And Amy Sedaris is a fan of the docs and if you’ve ever seen her when she is not playing “Strangers With Candy” she is a total cutie. And saw Naomi Campbell goes there and we know how picky she is so he really must be a magician.

He is also the dermatologist for Cate Blanchett, Rachel Weisz, Siena Miller, Naomi Watts, Julianna Margulies, Angelina Jolie(!), Adriana Lima and all those Victoria Secret models who stomp around in their wings.

I found this out later.  If I had known before I would have been too intimidated to go.

But he is totally nice and fun and normal and everything.  I didn’t get the “You’re not a VIP vibe” there at all.

And everyone looks like natural.  No Platypus lips go walking out of his office.  Nobody looks like “The Real Housewives of Orange County.”

It’s all about peeling it off and plumping it up, really. It’s so life changing for an actress who knows she is going to be stuck doing a close up at 4:00 am. “Don’t get too close with that camera!” I used to think.

So the fates brought me to him. He is even a theater lover and a friend of Terrance McNally’s. What are the chances of that? And he thinks little theaters are doing good stuff. “The smaller the better” he said to me when I was telling him about my latest minuscule project. He was a gypsy before becoming an MD so he GETS IT. And when he is with you he acts like he has all the time in the world and focuses just on you. That’s nice. And having someone who values what you’re like doing in life when you are a non-famous actress is so refreshing.

There is a well-known psychotherapist who sends her clients to Dr. Colbert. She believes that a visit with him will increase their dopamine levels. According to Wikipedia “dopamine is released by naturally rewarding experiences such as FOOD, SEX, DRUGS” and now apparently by DERMATOLOGY. I might be on a dermatological high as I write this. I don’t know.

So basically dermatology is better than anti-depressants.

He is coming out with a book now. “The High School Reunion Diet” (Your Youth Recovered in 30 Days). Cranky is way too neurotic to ever attend a reunion of any kind. I cannot sustain looking happy and smiling incessantly for an event like that.

But the “Youth Recovered in 30 Days” part will have me following the program. There was an advance copy in the office and I wanted to steal it, but decided I will wait a month like every one else until it comes out. He told me it will have a website in a month or something when I wouldn’t let go of the book.

So any poor suffering artist actress will tell you it is worth eating ramen and hot dogs for a couple of months for a visit to David Colbert.

In case you want to see the lovely office here is the link:

http://www.nydermatologygroup.com

PS – Got one of the parts I auditioned for, so the”positive reinforcement with restaurants therapy” really actually worked.

To Show Or Not To Show That Is The Question

Published May 1, 2009 acting , Actress , auditions , comedy , rehearsal , show business , Uncategorized 1 Comment
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Cranky had to ask herself a hard question yesterday. I got a call for an audition and had to ask myself,” Do I really want to be in another show”?

Film you’re in and you’re out. Theater is a bigger time commitment. And I’ve shied away from theater because I was traumatized by the last psycho director I worked with at LaMaMa.

So the group asking me to audition sends me the script. I don’t like it. The character I was auditioning for has another character put his hand on her breast – TWICE. Yuck. And the ending was completely stupid I thought. This is where the English Major and the actress in my mind go to battle. Because you can be a SNOB or you can WORK. But you can’t be BOTH. Unless you are famous. And we all know I’m not famous, so I’m fucked.

So I forced myself to work on it. They were very professional. Love that. They sent me the whole play to read and the exact sides I would be reading. And an appointment time. THANK YOU.

And by working on it I realized the dialogue was really good. Maybe the play wasn’t so bad and my phobia was tricking me into not liking it because I’ve become gun shy about doing theater. My neuroses was making me hyper critical.

So when I got off the subway and I was walking through Hell’s Kitchen to the theater, I made a deal with myself. “See that restaurant over there?” I asked myself. “Well if you do a good job and get the part you can go out after the show there,” I told myself. Good, bad or mediocre, every show has the upside of going out after with friends. Cranky loves that.

Also, I told myself, “Just think of the bumper crop of new stories sure to pop up during the many days and days and hours and hours of a theater rehearsal process.”

So I was in a positive head when I went into the waiting area. I sat down to work some more on the script. I had given myself an extra fifteen minutes so I could sit quietly and get into character.

And as per usual another actress who was also auditioning came in and started talking really loud to some guy involved with the theater. “Oh wow! Hi! Great to see you!! I know this is gonna be a great project, but I’m not sure if I will have time because I’m really involved with SoHo Rep. They are such nice people there. But, I mean I want to stay out there. I really need to be out there acting. It would be cool to be involved here too, you know?” she said.

I refused to be an audience for these antics and I got up and went and sat on the other side of the room. Especially since the actress had her ass in my face. Was she sending me a message? When the guy left, she turned around and gave me the phony “I hate you” smile. “I hate you too,” my blank stare back said.

A child actor went in to read before me. His Dad tiptoed over and put his ear on the door so he could listen. This is some sad shit. If Dad keeps this up his kid has NO CHANCE. Oh, and the mother called on the cell phone to wish the kid LUCK before he went in. Nooooooo. Gag me. Leave the kid the hell alone. Grown up actors have to sometimes spend years working their way back to that openness, that sense of play. Except for the feral ones like Russell Crowe. And these parents are squashing it out of a ten-year-old.

Cranky opened her mouth and told the Dad, “You gotta let him go. Let him go…..” Dad chuckled and said, “ I get so nervous for him.” HOPELESS.

So I went in and read my two scenes and did a good job and everything. I overcame my theaterophobia inflicted by the insane Italian director. I allowed myself to be inspired. I utilized Cranky therapy. The promise of fun nights in restaurants AFTER the show did the trick.

The Stupidest Casting Email Ever

Published April 28, 2009 acting , auditions , film , show business , Uncategorized 4 Comments
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Got an email the other day that was mostly incomprehensible to me. Like I didn’t get the point of it or anything. Just reading it was major league irritating. Couldn’t believe how stupid it was so kept reading it over and over and irritated myself even more.
Here it is:

“Hello
Thank you for the prompt response, all information is currently being processed.”

Hello- you have only said a few words and I already hate you. “Processed?” Why do you sound like the auto-response I get from JCrew when I place an order? More familiar with online shopping than with casting perhaps?

“The last few successful applicants will be responded to in the next couple of days, with an invite to the auditions.”

Ok, now it sounds like some fucked up sweepstakes or something. “The last few successful applicants?” All this needs is a “SO ACT NOW” at the end of it. So very Publisher’s Clearing House.

“If you would like to contact me personally, or maybe have a discussion about anything regarding the film, auditions etc, I am always about on Ind-E-Focus.”

Ah, no, I really DON’T want to contact you personally. Why would I want to contact you personally? Advanced begging? I know absolutely NOTHING about this film. What project are you talking about? Does it have a name? Also “always about” is a nauseating turn of phrase,

“As I mentioned in my original casting call, I am using Ind-E-Focus to keep an online account of all cast and crew applicants, it is a lot easier for me to keep all of your details here and respond to you instantly.”

Ah, easy for you. What about me? And what is so instant about it? I think email is pretty instant. And whatever you “mentioned” I don’t remember. I don’t remember reading anybody’s casting call. No one does. We hit “reply” and send our info and forget about it. If we did remember all of them we would have to be like rain man like. And why would I be interested in how you are keeping track of all the “applicants”?

“I will look out for you on Ind-E-Focus, any doubts of my whereabouts, check my profile page under the username NaimaGeraldson.”

No, I have no doubts about your WHEREABOUTS, only your IQ. I seriously don’t know what this means. Like I am sitting around wondering where Naima is? Is she at the supermarket? Is she online shopping at JCrew? I wonder where she is?

“There you may personal message me and send across your details.”

I already sent a headshot and resume. What details?  My mood at the moment?  And I still can’t figure out where or why why why.

“I have created a post in the message boards titled System Defect, but it has now been locked, however, keep checking this post.”

Great idea. I have nothing else to do. I will definitely keep checking it until it is unlocked.  No problem. I am already loving how “instant” this all is. Sounds like the brain trust on this project is out to lunch. Great idea sending everyone to a message board that is locked. That is so original. I’m sure your project is going to be super organized when in production.

“I will be informing everyone when the audition process is finalized and the applicants have all been chosen.
Best of Luck
Naima Geraldson”

Best of Luck? What is this the lottery? Are all our names on little balls and are they are spinning in some cage somewhere and the winners are gonna pop out or something?

Out of curiosity I went to the website and could find nothing. No Naima, no postings with the title system defect. Nothing. This is one of the top weird casting emails I have ever gotten. Once again, actors want to be contacted with an audition time and place. Whatever happens in between is your business.

Just to annoy the annoyer I sent this reply to Naima:

“Hi Naima -

Just found this email in my inbox. What is this about? Am I supposed to do something? What project is this?

Thanks,

Cranky”

A little of a bit of inanity for the inane.

I Can Write, But I Can’t Write A Cover Letter

Published April 20, 2009 acting , auditions , film , show business 4 Comments
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For some reason I have always reacted badly to requests for a cover letter when submitting my headshot/resume for a project. “Write a cover letter stating why you would like to work on this project and tell us something about yourself.” I would always stare and stare at this request and mentally freeze up. Then I would try to think of what I would HONESTLY say. Um ah, um ah,,.. How about:

Dear Filmmaker:

I would like this role because I really wanna role. You have a role. I need a role. Sounds like we are perfect for each other.

Cranky

No, no, no… How about:

Dear Filmmaker:

It is three o’clock in the afternoon and I haven’t left my house yet. The only thing I accomplished today is I trimmed my dog’s toe hairs. Oh, oh, and I got food delivered. It would be so nice to have something to do. Like your film for instance.

Cranky

No, I don’t think so. What can I say?

Dear Filmmaker:

The three-word description of the plot of your film gave me chills I was so inspired. Let’s put this inspiration on film.

Cranky

That sucked. Um ah, or:

Dear Filmmaker:

I’m a really good actress. I am also a good person. And my friends think I am funny. My husband also used to think I was funny. It took him seventeen years to get bored and I’m sure we will finish this film quicker than that.

Cranky

I never could get myself to send a cover letter. And now that I have seen cover letters posted on casting websites I know why. I found some cover letters that you have to read with me, OK?

#1 – This one is really priceless. I am funny. But I could never, never, never make this up:

Dear Filmmaker:

I believe I could show the tenderness and eroticism of the passion of the relationship as well as the fierceness of the violence of the character. During my many classes the subject of the duality of man was always a factor. People generally try to hide their feelings out of fear of rejection, and inside us all we have the animalistic forces of nature that we must battle to keep hidden – when we lose control all that we have bottled up will explode, the heat of the passion of the moment is careless to the regrets such actions will create. Through my Meiser training I have learnt to affect my co-star through a variety of emotions. Unfortunately, I haven’t been lucky enough to be in any plays or films. Now that I am one of the many unemployed I have all the time in the world to dedicate myself to this craft I love so much.

Henry

Way to go Henry.  You haven’t been lucky enough to BE in any films.  Nice.  Sell yourself by telling them you’ve done zip so far and are a member of the mass unemployed. And misspell the name of your method – Meisner.

#2 – This is new. Very new. A genius name-dropping technique:

Dear Filmmaker:

I studied drama at Kenyon College. Kenyon College alums include Paul Newman, Allison Janney, Josh Radner & Jay Cocks.

Annie

#3-Must be a friend of Henry’s:

Dear Filmmaker:

I am interested in this film and would love to be a part of it. I don’t have a lot of experience, but I hope to change that.

Rick

#4-Proofreading really does help in life:

Dear Filmmaker:

Would love to audition for a role in Rain Puddle. I long to do a Horror or Horror/Fantasy film. Have been a major fan since I was a (really) young.

Becky

A really young what? Dog?

#5-So interested he says it twice, well three times:

Dear Filmmaker:

I think your film sounds very interesting.

I am very interested in this feature, sounds very exciting and challenging. I would love to be a part of it.

I would love to be part of this film, it sounds really cool!

Chris

#6-Another marketing revolution:

Dear Filmmaker:

I know how to act in front of the camera both on HD and also on 16mm real film, so I have had the experience of both takes.

Danny

I didn’t know there are special acting techniques for HD vs. film. Do they teach it at The Studio?

#7-Once again proofreading is an important life skill:

Dear Filmmaker:

I’m an Actor as well as a Singer/Songwriter so maybe a Director out there may want a Song wrote for their Film or someone to Sing in their Film and if so you can contact me here in personal message…

Albert

Not sure if this is who they would hire if they wanted a song wrote.

#8-Unintentional potty humor:

Dear Filmmaker:

I will bring that darkness in emotion, the transition between innocent love and raw desire. That’s what I have to offer.

Everything that comes out of me is real. If you think this is something you want, let me know.

Martin

#9-Needs to go to Match.com:

Dear Filmmaker:

A little about myself – I’m an actor and classically trained singer (though have fun with all genres of music!) currently based in London. I speak French and Spanish, have an EU passport, and love to travel. I have recently been getting into more film work, though theatre will always be exciting and invigorating to me. Aside from acting/singing, I love reading books, drinking coffee, people watching, and having a good night out dancing.

I look forward to meeting you soon!

Jonathan

Forget about and acting job. Someone should snap this guy up and marry him.

#10-I’m at a loss for words:

Dear Filmmaker:

im not sure what i need to put here
the only acting experience i have is drama throughout high school
and the plays i cowrote in yr 11 and 12
but i hope im still given achance even with my lack of experience

dougy

#11-Also new. Auditions as credits:

Dear Filmmaker:

I am just starting to look for work as an actress as I’ve not long left college so have a lot of experience, though not professional at the moment. I do have a couple of auditions lined up though.

Ginny

#12-Also spanking new: astrology as a selling point:

Dear Filmmaker:

I take myself and what I bring to a production quite seriously. Anything less makes the production less, and we cannot have that! As for what I can bring to this character, the only truly accurate way is to sum up my personality via my sign, the scorpio: determined, forceful, emotional, intuitive, passionate, magnetic, compulsive, obsessive, secretive.

Paul

Yes. But will they take YOU seriously?

We now need a movement to stamp out the cover letter because it is gonna give actors a bad name. I changed the names of these poor actors to protect them.  I could not have done any better.  That is why I never sent one.  Asking actors to do this is cruel and unusual.  It has to stop.

Watch my reel, read my resume, look at my picture. The end. If you wanna see if I can act, ask me to read. Do not ask me to tell you why you should hire me. Acting talent does not does not translate into the cover letter, as we have seen by these sad sad examples. So sad that we, the acting community are embarrassed by them.

Directors Who Talk Talk Taaaaaalk Too Much

Published April 15, 2009 acting , auditions , film , rehearsal , show business 3 Comments
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Had an audition yesterday that took a looooong time. I felt bad because I knew the actress after me had a time thing. I was in there over half an hour. Most of the time it was the director talking. I didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about.

“Well, the script we sent you is not in the actual film we are filming. That script is from the longer full version. We are filming the short six-minute version. But later we will be filming a full version. Maybe you should read a scene that is actually in the film,” he says. “WELL THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SEND IT TO ME AND WHY THE FUCK DID I MEMORIZE IT?” I think. But, “Whatever you want to do,” is what I say.

He looks through a pile of sides and finds the one that he wants. I have never seen it before. He slides it across the table and asks me to read it. Out loud. No preparation. No idea what the next line might be about. Like acting is some kind of dog trick in the fucking circus. And I’m reading with his assistant who looks like a Sylvia Plath wannabe with major social awkwardness issues who reads so fast I cannot understand, follow or respond to her. With hair hanging in her face to complete the picture. What rock did these people crawl out from under?

And then he talks and talks and talks some more.

I start wondering if he planned the whole switch the script routine to see how actors would respond. If I gave a crap, I would be concerned because if I can spend a little time with a script I can do something with it. But I act totally affable about the whole thing which shows Cranky really can ACT because I was thinking the opposite.

But the whole cluelessness of the situation was making Cranky tired and I just wanted to leave now.

The director has this look on his face like, “YES, finally, I am in charge.” And he is never gonna zip it ever again. His megalomania has been under wraps for too long. It has found an outlet in DIRECTOR and there is no stopping it. He is sucking all the air out of the room. I am not there as an actress, but as his audience.

Then he said, “How about you read another character?” And proceeded to tell me HER whole life story. Including names, and I kept getting her husband’s name and her son’s name mixed up when he was talking, so the story made no sense but it was something about a little league game and a dinner. It went on and on and on. And once again my acting skills come into play because I am able to look totally interested and engaged and COMPREHENDING the whole time. A little nod of the head here, a little thoughtful look there. Then he hands me the script and this character says TWO WORDS. I am not kidding TWO WORDS. After the twenty-minute build up with the little league and all.

This is what happens when a director is high on his project. Nice for him, but does not help me. My little actress animal self just wants what’s in the script and how it will affect her. My actress animal does not want to listen to someone who loves to hear himself talk and talk and talk and talk.

Directors who talk too much make my eyes glaze over. I’m an intuitive actor. I need a feeling, not a diatribe. The diatribe kills it.

The thing when the director wants to sit down and spend days going over the script line by line discussing what each word means is death to me. I have no idea what the fuck anything means until I do it, say it, am it. It also really makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up when another actor starts talking about the meaning/significance of one of MY lines.

But that’s what those sit down with the script and analyze it sessions lead to. People feel they have to say something. Something intelligent sounding. GAG ME GAG ME. I never feel compelled to say anything if a director resorts to this. I once had to do it for two days. I just wanted it to be over, so I figured the less I contributed the sooner it would end.

“It seems like you’re shutting down,” a director said to me during the torture analysis. Shutting down? “No, no I’m trying to wipe everything out of my mind the minute it is said, so it won’t fuck up my rehearsal process,” I thought. But I didn’t say that. I smiled and said, “Oh?” like I was surprised and didn’t mean it.

The teacher I love always says, “Find out what happens to you.” Well nothing much is happening if we’re gonna intellectualize the play and every word in it.

Cranky is an intelligent person but not an intelligent actor. Cranky uses animal brain not intelligent brain to act. So too much information just gets in the way. I can read a script and find the clues. I’m a writer. But that’s enough already. Good directors can say the exact few words I need to hear and can like make me cry. “Good directors” being the ones who work the way Cranky likes to work, of course.

How Long Is This Audition?

Published April 13, 2009 acting , Actress , auditions , show business , Uncategorized 5 Comments
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Got another classic email invitation for an audition yesterday. What are these people? Mental?

He wrote:

“Hi there,

Here are the details for your audition 3.30-5pm tomorrow. Please excuse the round robin.”

I have no idea what he means by “round robin”. The only “round robin” I know about is the one on Tuesday nights at my gym when I go to play squash with a bunch of other people and we switch around. Round Robin? Ah, and my appointment is from 3:30pm UNTIL 5pm? Huh? And I am expected to spend an hour and a half at an initial audition? Wrong. At union calls if you are kept over a certain amount of time they have to PAY YOU. So where does he get off thinking it’s all right to take an hour and a half out of our day to play with him?

It continues:

“I’ve mentioned that I want people to prepare a short [around a minute] ideally comic piece, I don’t mind what it is – but is should be a piece you enjoy doing!”

A piece I enjoy doing? Oh, oh, oh, OK. Great idea. Oh wow. I was gonna do one that I hate. This will really be something different. Thanks for that brilliant idea. And the fucking encouraging exclamation point. So Romper Room.

His next line:

“And not too long!”

Ah – so even if I am “enjoying” it, you want to save yourself from the extra 60 seconds of boredom in case it totally sucks. Also, too many exclamation points always seem like the product of a warped mind to me. I find them scary.

He goes on:

“If you could also bring a copy of your headshot and resume that would be great [and a yoga mat if you have one to hand, the floor is stone so we may use them to save our knees].”

OK. OK. Back the fuck up. Bring a yoga mat for our knees? To save us from the stone floor? Knees and stone floor? What are we going to be doing? Begging for the role? And I love that this bomb is in parentheses. You’ll be kneeling on the floor- but don’t think about that!

The next line in his epistle:

“I am so excited by the quality of the submissions and the sessions should be really fun, banish any nervousness and just come play!”

Session? What is the session? What kind of session? What is he talking about? Don’t you think a little explanation is in order? What if I went wearing the plaid straight skirt that I have to hold my breath in and we’re expected to jump around or something? Or sit down? “Banish any nervousness?” I wasn’t nervous until I read this email. And again with the fucking exclamation points!!!

And he wraps it up with:

“Any questions please shoot me an email otherwise I’ll see you tomorrow.

Best wishes
Stephen”

Yes I have a question. Do you have any clue as to what the fuck you are doing? And no YOU WON’T BE SEEING ME TOMORROW.

Once again this proves the scary fact that any idiot can “put on a show.” And the sucky reality that people think actors will do anything for a chance at a role. Believe me, I know working is important. But I also think it’s important to have limits. If I went I would not be happy with myself. I would feel like a moron. And I don’t think I would click with this type of person. You know, a stupid one.

Being who he is, the email showed the names of all the actors he was inviting to this round of on your knees on the stone floor waste half a day audition. So I hit reply all and sent the below email to him and all the actors on the list:

“Hi Stephen -

Thanks for inviting me and all.

Sorry to say I won’t be there.

The Midtown Festival is great. I had a play in it and it was all very well run.

I’m not morally comfortable with asking actors to invest an hour and a half for an initial audition.

So even though it sounds like an awesome project – I must do what I think is right.

Cranky”

Am I turning into the Norma Rae of the acting world? I can just see the rally – CRANKY ACTRESSES UNITE – and everyone in their high-heel boots and tons of Mac mascara and everything.

I’m So Depressed It Makes Me Happy or Am I Happy I’m Depressed?

Published March 24, 2009 acting , comedy , Uncategorized 4 Comments
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The good thing about being an actress is that you can easily access your emotions. The bad thing about being an actress is that you can easily access your emotions.

I have to be careful to try to overlook certain things in life or they will send me into a weeklong depression.

Like a fish in a tank or a bird in a cage. I’ve trained myself. LOOK AWAY. LOOK AWAY. LOOK AWAY. Don’t think about the fish in the tank or the bird in the cage. What the fuck kind of life is that? I mean my life is not that great, but at least I can take a walk down the  block! What can the fish in the tank and the bird in a cage do? NOTHING. The fish little circles. The bird back and forth on the perch. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t take it.

They even have a fish tank at my hairdressers. Why why why? I asked about it and was told the owner loves her fish. IF SHE LOVED HER FISH SHE WOULD FUCKING LET THEM GO!

I once saw a beautiful raven in a stupid cage in the Children’s Zoo in Central Park and I though about it for a week. I lost sleep. I kept seeing it. Standing there. I wanted so badly to call them, but I knew they would think I was a crackpot. (Don’t say it!)

I send money to the animal organizations, but I cannot under any circumstances read their pamphlets. No. No. No.

These things feed into my natural cranky melancholic state.

And now I am losing soul mates to anti-depressants every day. It’s fucking scary. My soul buddy of years and I always used to say, “summer is overrated,” and laugh. We like the dark. We like the cold. We like to stay in the house and read under a lap blanket. We always dreaded summer. Now suddenly yesterday she announced that this year she is not dreading summer at all. Ever since she started anti-depressants she is looking forward to it. LOOKING FORWARD TO IT? What the fuck? We have dreaded summer together for fifteen years. Now she has gone over to the sunny side.

I have another friend I’ve always thought of as another brother, especially because his favorite saying is, “It’s all been a horrible mistake.” Now he’s all positive and helpful around the house and I barely know him. He’s going to parties now. What’s up with that? He must be taking the same prescription as my friend.

This actually made me question whether or not I’m depressed. The answer was maybe a little but I like myself this way so fuck off I am not taking a pill. I just have to do the right amount of exercise to generate enough endorphins to function in the world, that’s all. I do allow myself a yoga high. I feel really good about life for about one hour and forty-five minutes after doing yoga. Everything is beautiful…..

I think actually feeling things is good for creativity. I mean, just imagine Edgar Allan Poe on anti-depressants. See what I mean?

Or Russell Crowe – not a happy camper.

Even as a kid I kind of reveled in my melancholy. I’d hibernate in my room and play music and be alone. Which actually made me happy which is actually kinda contradictory. There is probably a pill for that too. I may seem totally nuts. But if you refer back to “Cranky and Her Crazy Relatives” you will see that I am actually doing really well.

P.S. – Spring has arrived in Brooklyn- just saw two pigeons mating on a fire escape.

My Acting Career Has Hit a New Low

Published March 14, 2009 acting , Actress , auditions , film , show business , Uncategorized 6 Comments
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Got another really choice email yesterday. Things better pick up soon. That’s all I can say. Thus is the sad state of affairs in my acting work. This is a new low, even for Cranky.

My comments are in regular type. The email is in quotes and in bold:

“Dear Cranky:

My name is Gino Insultinga, and I am the writer/director of the project “Stewey Stoney.”

The reason I’m e-mailing is because I’m following up on your request to audition for the role of “Honey.” I wasn’t sure you were exactly right for the role of Honey, However, I thought you had a great look and were right for another character. “

If you thought my look was so great how come you never bothered to meet me in person Mr. Insultinga? Huh? Huh? Or are you just buttering me up for the next BOMB you’re gonna drop in your email?

He continues:

“The main character’s ex-wife, Penny, never appears in the film in person. However, her photograph is the most prominent and re-occurring image of the film.”

STOP RIGHT THERE! In other words, you don’t feel I could play the speaking role in your film, but you do think I am perfect to play an INANIMATE OBJECT! Ouch!

“It is a picture that essentially drives the main character’s story forward.”

Oh, so I am not just an inanimate object but an important inanimate object. Oh, oh, now I am running to do it.

“I would love for you to consider coming in to a photo-shoot, and posing for a photograph for our film. The main character is being played by the actor Tom McManus, who has appeared recently opposite Phillip Seymour Hoffman.”

Another inducement! I am playing, no hanging, opposite an actor who recently played opposite someone famous. How does this help me? Can I put “played a picture hanging in a room with an actor who once played opposite Philip Seymour Hoffman” on my resume? Is this the first step on the staircase to fame? It seems a bit more than six degrees of separation. What is the degree of separation between living people and inanimate objects on the social scale?

Am and I supposed to think that the guy who played opposite the famous guy is gonna get attention for the film? And then, that when people see the film, they are all gonna say, “Wow, that was a great film. But the actress who played the picture, SHE WAS REALLY GREAT!” Is there a chance I will get discovered playing an inanimate object? Yeah. A fat chance.

“Also he would be featured in the photograph with you.”

A memento of how low my career has plummeted? Great. Or can I get a copy and put it on my refrigerator and tell my friends that that guy in the picture once played opposite Philip Seymour Hoffman?

“Our director of photography who will be shooting the picture is named Bobby Burra. Please feel free to view his reel at: ________________”

I’m sorry, but why would I care? He is the director of moving photography. And not only would I not be speaking in the film, I ah, won’t be moving either. This is beyond the old axiom that there are no small roles, only small actors. That is a bunch of crap. That is something some director made up to get an actor to accept some demoralizing one liner. Or a role as a fucking photograph. Give me a break.

“We have an incredibly talented crew, and I would be more than happy to give you as much information as you’d need.

Thanks very much, I’ll look forward to hearing from you,
-Gino”

And what information would I need if I decided to play the photograph? The story line? No. The shooting dates? No. The location? No. The call sheet? No. Whether I need my head examined? Yes.

John-Paul Dunderhead is at it Again.

Published March 12, 2009 acting , auditions , film , show business , Uncategorized 1 Comment
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Ah, John-Paul is at it again. Just got 4 emails. All I needed to know was the time, the place, and attach the script thank you.

But no, John-Paul gave me so much more. His trip to California. His inability to convert a document. His family problems.

Check out this brilliant trail of communication:

EMAIL #1:

Dear Cranky,

Thank you for you interest in auditioning for the role of BRIAN’S MOTHER. I have scheduled you for the 4:00 pm time slot this Friday. The auditions will be held in NYC and will last fifteen minutes. I will be sending your character’s portion of the script tomorrow. I am sorry for the delay, but I have to convert the script’s format into a readable doc file. Feel free to read from the scene of your choice.

If there are any problems with the time I have selected, please notify me immediately so changes can be made. It will be difficult to change the schedule, but I will try to work it out.

Larry Schmoe, the project’s producer, will be sending you further information, such as, the address of the location where auditions will be held.

We look forward to meeting you Friday.

John-Paul Dunderhead

Very personal as I can see the 14 other people he sent it to. Still hasn’t learned how to do the BCC? And when I get the script it is one page, one scene. Scene of my choice?

For what kind of person does it take 24 hours to convert a document into a different format? A retard, that’s what kind of person. Really this is too much now!

EMAIL # 2

Dear Cranky,

Here is the Mother’s scene. It is in a PDF file format because I was unable to convert it into a Word Document. . You are welcome to give a brief monologue of your own.

Larry Schmoe (producer) will be contacting you today with the address of the location where the audition will be held in NYC.

Sorry for the late reply. I had to go to California for a couple days for a family thing and just got back last night. I am creating the auditions schedule today and will send it out tonight along with the script. I have taken all desired scheduling times into consideration and will get back to you shortly. Thank you for your patients.

John-Paul Dunderhead

“PATIENTS?” “PATIENTS?” What? Huh? All the actors in hospital gowns I’ve been sending you? “Thank you for your patients?” Is English this guys first language? I know I seem harsh, but this is someone in a MASTERS program and that is just fucking scary!

I am so tempted to go in and do the courtroom monologue from “Nell”. The Jodie Foster movie. For those of you who missed it, “Nell” is unable to speak properly. She makes incomprehensible noises and gestures a lot. Should I do it? How would they react?

I will scream, “NOOOAH CRYAAAAH FUUUU NEEELLL! “ while gesticulating wildly and acting spastic. What if I went on for like 10 minutes and was completely unintelligible? Would they keep a straight face? Actually, I might be the first person speaking to these guys in their native language. I’m sure they will have “patients” with me.

Oh, oh and here is some dialogue from the scene John-Paul sent me: “Brian had a ruff day yesterday. He was turned down from another job.”

Was he BARKING all day? “Ruff ruff! Also, I’ve been turned down “FOR” a job but never “FROM” a job. How do you get turned down “FROM” a job? Maybe the building expels you?

And John-Paul, don’t you know the address? Why do we need a separate email for that? And he is “creating the auditions schedule”? Are you making it out of clay? Uh, are you short on apostrophes, dude?

Should I go tomorrow?  I can’t decide.

EMAIL #3:

Hello everyone,

This is Larry Schmoe and I am the producer of Fire on the Roof Production’s untitled comedy pilot that John-Paul Dunderhead is directing. We are looking forward to meeting you all and are very excited for this production. Paul Michael has sent you individual times for you to audition. If there are any conflicts with the time slots please respond as soon as possible

The auditions will take place this Friday March 13th at Shelter Studios on 244 West 54th St between Broadway and 8th Ave.

Larry Schmoe

He is excited ‘FOR” the production just like the character in the script got turn down “FROM” a job.

Birds of a feather these two. Now we can see that this director and his producer are a match made in heaven.

EMAIL #4:

Hello Everyone,

Sorry, I meant Shetler Studios not Shelter Studios. Just making that correction,

Larry Schmoe

AH-HUH!! Birds of a fucking feather!

Keep Your Gizzard Neck, Thank You

Published March 4, 2009 acting , auditions , film , show business , Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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Just got a really great email asking me to audition for a project. This is not a joke. I swear. This is real. Verbatim.

Get a load of this:

Dear Cranky:
My name is John-Paul Dunderhead. I am the director of the untitled television comedy pilot that is being produced through Fire on the Roof Productions My producer and I recently reviewed your submission for the role of Bubba’s Mother and would like to have you audition if you are still interested. We are holding auditions in NYC on Friday March 13th from noon until 5 p.m.
Also, I am requesting that actors auditioning for the role of the mother give the role of the Boo’s Grandmother consideration. I believe that the character of the Grandmother to be more interesting and will fun to play. Also, the Grandmother has many more reoccurring scenes in other episodes we are writing. Because of the age gap between Boo’s Grandmother and Bubba’s Mother, I have found a talented make-up artist who will be willing to make the transformation. I am aware that you did not ask for this role, but please give it consideration and let me know whether or not you are interested.

Thank you for your consideration and we hope to hear from you soon.

John-Paul Dunderhead

WHERE DO I START?

This is wrong on so many levels.

Number one: Anyone not in the music biz who gives themselves a hyphenated name is questionable.

Number two: Who the hell are Bubba and Boo and how are they related to each other?

Number three: Thinking it’s a good idea to have an actress play someone born an eon before them, is ridiculous. Kate Winslet can pull it off for five minutes at the end of a movie. A big Hollywood movie, with like ten-hour makeup sessions. But if she had to play the old lady in the movie from beginning to end, we’d want to shoot ourselves, and her. The whole time the audience would be totally distracted. They’d be asking themselves; “Why didn’t they get an old lady actress to play an old lady?”

John-Paul sounds like he belongs in the era of Mickey Rooney playing a Japanese man in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” by having funny teeth and squinting his eyes. Or else John-Paul has done too many high school plays where high school seniors spray white in their hair and put on “Our Town.”

No John-Paul. What actress who has just started playing boring Mom’s wants to jump into playing the next generation?  I’m sure you could find actresses between the ages of 100 and 110 willing to start transitioning into grandma roles.

And trying to convince us by telling us we will get more screen time wearing a chicken-like gizzard neck is not gonna help. Oh no, thank you.

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