Cranky is doing her eight hundredth graduate school film this weekend. I figured graduate school – its gotta be good. They use Bob Giraldi’s DP and sound guy. I got the lead part. Sounds OK. Right?
OF COURSE NOT.
“Oh yes. We have a producer and a wardrobe person and hair and makeup,” the director said. Love that. Love when they are taking care of the actors. I had great expectations.
Until the wardrobe person actually called. Four days before the shoot. Completely unintelligible.
The phone rings.
“Ah, hello. Is this Cwankery?” says the voice on the phone.
“Um, this is CRANKY,” I say.
“Oh, yes Cwankery this is Naohagalaga. You playing housekeeper. I need to get uniform,” she says.
“I’m not playing the housekeeper”, I say.
“No director say you need a uniform,” she says, “Housekeeper?”
“But I’m not playing the housekeeper”, I say.
“Do you know who is playing the lead?” she says.
“That would be me,” I answer.
“I need to get you uniform?” she says.
“But I’m not playing the housekeeper,” I say.
“Oh. Do you know who’s playing the housekeeper?” she asks.
“No,” I say, “Why don’t you ask the director.”
“Do you have the director’s phone number?” she asks.
This is a first. The wardrobe lady is asking me for the director’s phone number. Seriously.
Then I get a call from the director. I had agreed to go and have a few pictures taken with the guy playing my husband and the guy playing my son for photos around the house so he is calling to schedule that. It was fine with me until he wants me to go an hour into New Jersey by train to take the pictures. “Why can’t we do them in the city?” I ask. “Because the guy playing your husband can’t leave Jersey,” he says. “Why? I answer, “is he under house arrest? Does he have an ankle bracelet?”
Of course not. He doesn’t WANT to leave New Jersey. He is a friend of the director’s parents who has agreed to play my DEAD husband who has no lines in the film so of course he has more power than I do because who the hell can you get to play the dead husband with no lines and one flashback scene?
Then I get the shooting schedule from the previously unheard from producer. All the scenes are marked by scene numbers. But there are no scene numbers in the script, only page numbers. I can’t tell which scene is which and I am in every fucking one of them. I have a million different outfits to figure out and all Naohagalaga can do is buy a uniform. I email the producer to please send me a script using page numbers as there are no scene numbers on the script and she writes me back that she can’t change the script.
For this I am losing quality time with my dog?
Wish me luck.
PS – Of course after all this it came out fab. It is now one of my fav roles.