Cranky Actress Blog

Got a really choice email yesterday. Things better pick up soon. That’s all I can say. Thus is the sad state of affairs in my acting work. This is a new low, even for Cranky.

Dear Cranky:
My name is Gino Insultinga, and I am the writer/director of the project “Stewey Stoney.”

The reason I’m e-mailing is because I’m following up on your request to audition for the role of “Honey.” I wasn’t sure you were exactly right for the role of Honey, However, I thought you had a great look and were right for another character.
It is a picture that essentially drives the main character’s story forward.

I would love for you to consider coming in to a photo-shoot, and posing for a photograph for our film. The main character is being played by the actor Tom McManus, who has appeared recently opposite Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Also he would be featured in the photograph with you.

Our director of photography who will be shooting the picture is named Bobby Burra. Please feel free to view his reel at: ________________
Thank you ,
Gino

So I am playing, no HANGING, opposite an actor who recently played opposite someone famous. How does this help me? Can I put “played a picture hanging in a room with an actor who once played opposite Philip Seymour Hoffman” on my resume? Is this the first step on the staircase to fame? It seems a bit more than six degrees of separation. What is the degree of separation between living people and inanimate objects on the success scale? Isi is possible that when people see the film, they are all gonna say, “Wow, that was a great film. But the actress who played the picture, SHE WAS REALLY GREAT!” Is there a chance I will get discovered playing an inanimate object?

And telling me about the DP? Why would I care? He is the director of MOVING PHOTOGRAPHY. And not only would I not be SPEAKING in the film, I ah, won’t be MOVING either. This is beyond the old axiom that there are no small roles, only small actors. That is something some director made up to get an actor to accept some demoralizing one liner. Or a role as a photograph.