Cranky Actress Blog

You gotta be really careful who you talk to at auditions. Seemingly innocent inquiries can turn into vicious attacks in a second. For instance, the question; “Which part are you auditioning for? When answered, is met with a snarling, “Oh, I’m too young for THAT ROLE.” Nice. Said to me at a callback by one of the barracuda type actresses you have to stay clear of.

Yes, at auditions and callbacks there are actresses who scan the room with evil eyes for whoever they think is their biggest competition and then set out to destroy them. It’s pretty weird.

I was once waiting in an auditorium for my turn to go in and read, and I watched an actress walk up and down the aisle scanning the competition. She picked me out to say something mean to. I guess I should have been flattered, if she thought I looked like her stiffest competition who needed to be torpedoed. She tossed her long blond hair over her shoulder and let the insults fly. “Did your agent send you here?” This for some non-union piece of crap open call early in my career. Her “agent” didn’t send her either, but she’s making believe he did. Then she asks me if I know “Chuck”. “You know, Chuck? The director? You’ve never met him?” She’s talking like they are old friends. When I see her go in it’s apparent they’ve never met. Cuckoo cuckoo.

I find this behavior really bizarre.   I once read in The Times that actors have a higher level of testosterone than the general population, maybe actresses do too.   Not that I’m a saint or anything.   I mean I just don’t give a crap about anybody else but myself at an audition. I’m all about preparing my Zen head before I go in, so why would I want to talk to anybody else?   Unless I’m waiting too long and then it’s all about the jokes.

I’ve actually befriended an actress who I’m consistently up against for the same role. We fill the same niche. She’s a doll. And when I’ve gotten to read with her, I love her work. She’s big time talented.   We laugh about how soon we’ll run into each other again. We once both got cast in a production and talked on the phone and decided the director had his head up his ass and we dropped out together. So it doesn’t have to be a barracuda business. If I can’t do something I’ve been offered, I tell them about her and visa versa.

I recently ran into an appointment a bit tardy. There was another actress in the waiting area. She gave me the slit eye stare. She said, “Ah, excuse me? Ah, you were late for your time, so they took me instead.” Delivered to make me nervous. I shrugged my shoulders and didn’t answer. She hated me more for that. Went in and got the part just for revenge.

A couple of months ago I read for a soap opera. The high-pitched tension in the area where the actors were waiting was like a force or something. I settled into my own headspace. Then it happened. An actress asked me for a tissue. I have to respond. I’m not rude. But I know what’s coming. THE INNOCUOUS FOLLOWED BY THE VICIOUS. As I’m handing her the tissue she glances at me and says, “You’re still looking at the script? I don’t need to.   I MEMORIZED MINE.” Please stick that tissue up your ass.

I have a veteran actress friend in my apartment building. Love her. She is an awesome sounding board if I am ever going crazy or anything. (EVER?) She’s done it all. Even married a director/acting teacher. Dated a very very famous actor in her youth. And her over-arching description of the business is, “It’s a blood bath darling. Darling, it’s a blood bath.”