Cranky Actress Blog

I watched a Netflix comedy special last night: Lynne Koplitz, and something she said reminded Cranky of herself. Lynne said, “I accidentally gained 40 pounds.” Which is hilarious in attitude and also kind of refreshing to Cranky who has always said, “Sometimes I gain weight. Sometimes I lose weight. It’s a mystery.”

I recognize my friends by who they are and have never much noticed a few pounds here or a few pounds there.

As a child I had a friend named Flora. I loved Flora. I used to walk a different way so I could pick Flora up and we could walk to school together and laugh. Flora reminded me of the sun. She laughed at my jokes. One day in fifth grade Flora was absent and the teacher said we needed to talk about Flora’s problem. I said, “What problem?” The class laughed at me and assumed I was making a joke (which was my specialty). I said, “No really? What problem?” The teacher, Mrs. Ney (the meanest teacher in the school who was later transferred to being a librarian because she stuck a pencil in a kid’s head) said, “Flora’s limp.” I was shocked because I never noticed any limp. So I’ve had a life long proclivity for noticing important things like who laughs at my jokes and who is sun-like.

Which brings me to a recent incident when a friend told me her boyfriend was prejudiced against me because of my size. True, I had burgeoned to a size 12 due to stresses at work and my partner’s and mine habit of popping nonpareils while chanting, “Let’s close a deal!” But as always I knew I would once again go back to a smaller size when the mood hit me. I play squash 4 hours a week, take Pilates and dance, so it can fall off pretty easily. The prejudice remark hit me hard. I was jettisoned into some kind of minority I hadn’t known I belonged to. And the sad thing is I haven’t eaten one beloved nonpareil since. Those nonpareils were my one fucking joy in life. They have been replaced by vegetables. People keep saying, “You lost so much weight!” But really I lost something more that that. I lost nonpareils.

So as a homage to my former and gone by the wayside nonpareils I have written a song to them to the tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon.”

Dot the delicious nonpareil lived on the shelf

And waited for the moment to come and make a party in my mouth

Chubby Cranky Actress loved that morsel Dot

And brought her to work with her with other snacks and stuff

Together we would get through long days that were rough

Chocolate is a stress relief and has a chemical like love

But Cranky let go of Dot due to society

And now poor Dot has been replaced by things like broccoli

Oh Dot the delicious nonpareil lived on the shelf

And waited for the moment to come and make a party in my mouth

Nonpareils will be around forever but not in Cranky’s home

That cheerful Dot with white spots is gone forever more

Now Cranky eats only grown up things and Dot will fade into lore

She is so healthy now she might be a total bore

Oh Dot the delicious nonpareil lived on the shelf

And waited for the moment to come and make a party in my mouth