Where Am I?

Cranky has gone through the 3 stages of Corona. Numbness, depression and acceptance. Initially numb and not feeling things were so different. Making jokes and going out as much as possible, including to a local mall before they closed to buy a pile of great books to read while being a shut in. Ha ha ha. La de da.

After a week, the depression of being home sets in. This is some creepy shit. Who can concentrate and read a book? I can barely focus enough to watch The Voice. I can’t figure out what to eat. Nothing appeals to me. I keep making food, putting it on a plate and then scraping it into the garbage. After a couple of days of this I call a friend who tells me I must go to the store and buy corned beef hash-that this is the solution. This is from someone who has been a stalwart vegetarian for years. My other vegetarian friend who lives north of Seattle has been cooking up meatloaves and baking chickens, so this might be a trend. My friend is right. The corned beef hash in a can is a food from childhood that I know I could eat. I go to the Korean deli and there is not one can of it on the shelves. I realize everyone is in bunker mode. I go to the supermarket. They have it. I buy 4 cans. I go home and put it in a pan and the dog gets a suspicious look on her face because I think she thought it was supposed to be dog food due to look and smell of it. I put one egg on top to make it semi-healthy. I can eat! I have to do this weird meal everyday and cannot vary from it. I know it is crazy, but it is all I can do. I spent one weekend exhausted from stress. Then I pulled myself together and thought, “ I’m sure Nelson Mandela under house arrest did not watch seven episodes of Homeland in one day.” I must get it together.

So I have now gone over to acceptance. This is life now. I keep myself on a routine like a disciplined prisoner who works out in their cell. Get up. Mocha Decaf and read. Walk dog. Do work (joke). Do an online ballet barre. Eat hash. Try to work (some days: productive, other days: one phone call). Walk dog. Try to eat something. Try to find one thing on Netflix that holds my attention. Read. Walk dog. Bed.

Today I hand sewed 2 facemasks to comply with the Mayor’s request that we wear them. I don’t want to be shunned at the market. I also refuse to wear the horrible paper things so I cut up a bunny tea towel for one and a navy bandana for the other. I have a face mask wardrobe at the ready. bandana (1)

I realize I won’t be wearing lipstick for a while and this depresses me. Washing hair on a regular basis has been a struggle. Who cares? I actually set my hair on hot rollers yesterday to conduct a Zoom meeting. It was the social event of the day.

My partner sent me flowers the other day to cheer me up. I joked with her that it is amazing that we can keep working under the specter of death. My boss suggests we all read about Churchill to see that they had it worse then. I kinda doubt it. They keep saying “We are in this together.” People in World War II were in it together. We are in this apart.

5 Responses to “Where Am I?”


  1. 1 Debra Cupani April 11, 2020 at 2:05 pm

    Just when you think you are a resilient person, this happens. Your insight to eating is spot on. I just ate peanut butter and jelly to feel better last night. Everything else tastes like cardboard and is an effort to chew.

  2. 2 Robin Sheridan April 5, 2020 at 1:24 am

    Maybe you can start walking up stairs? Get buns of steel!

  3. 3 HaHaRiki April 5, 2020 at 12:56 am

    Thanks for voicing how we’re all feeling! I’m in Melbourne Australia and have been writing a novel for several years. Now I can’t concentrate or write anything. This comment is the most productive I’ve been in almost three weeks. Stay strong Cranky – we need you!

    • 4 nycactress April 5, 2020 at 2:31 am

      It’s OK. You will get inspired again at the right time. We are all sort of mourning not having a normal life. Hugs to you fellow writer! XX

  4. 5 Serena Day April 4, 2020 at 10:28 pm

    “People in World War II were in it together. We are in this apart.” – Wow, so accurate! I haven’t heard anyone express it like that before.


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