Cranky Actress Blog

Cranky has some crazy relatives. Did you say you’re not surprised? Shut up! Bettie Davis had a crazy sister, so I’m in good company. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one with crazy relatives. No one ever talks about it.
I had a visit with one of my crazy relatives with her psychiatrist, and even the psychiatrist was so bored and testy she wouldn’t let my crazy relative finish a sentence. She just scribbled yet another prescription and was outta there. And she is someone who is supposedly caring for the crazies. Interesting that all the theories of the unconscious, the collective unconscious, etc, all boil down to meds when someone is genuinely nuts. When you’re not nuts, you can talk about these things for years, but real nuts and out comes the script pad.

I have one relative who is sure the government is in cahoots with the aliens, and if you disagree with him he will hang up on you because you are obviously part of the conspiracy. So how do I have an honest relationship with him?
To be honest, there is nothing I could do even if it was true. I know he gets pissed off by my reaction to him. He’s like: “LISTEN TO ME! THERE ARE ALIENS HOLDING HIGH LEVEL POSITIONS IN OUR GOVERNMENT!” And I’m like: “Ah, OK. I really have to do the dishes now.”

The world could be coming to an end and I’d be like: “Did the dog eat yet?”
This is the CRANKY METHOD OF SURVIVAL.

I also read the paper this way. I’d much rather read about Murray’s Cheese Shop than the tanking economy or the latest bombing on the West Bank. I run out and buy the twelve-dollar table salt recommended by the New York Times and it makes me so happy. And it is something I read in the paper that I can act on.
So I definitely don’t get worked up over his latest theory about the aliens. I’m good at avoiding even earth problems.
Now he says that there are some kind of reptilian aliens. They look like reptiles, but can shape shift into human form. He says there is a concentration of them in my neighborhood. I told him, “ I haven’t seen anything except a few water bugs. Do those count?”

I have another crazy relative whose entire life is smoking and watching TV. The worst part about it is the cough
CAC HAC CAC CAAAA HAAAAA HUUUUUU CAAAA HUU

I can only see this relative sometime between “All My Children” and “Jeopardy”. She’s very strict about that. Sometimes I have this fear that I’ll be arrested by mistake and I’ll get my one phone call and I’ll call her because I know I can never get through to my executive husband (I could be dying in the street and I’d get “Welcome to Audix”). So I place my one call, and I’m like screaming: “IT’S ME! I’VE BEEN ARRESTED! I’M AT THE POLICE STATION! YOU HAVE TO KEEP CALLING MR. CRANKY UNTIL YOU GET THROUGH! GET A PEN! I’LL GIVE YOU HIS NUMBER! HURRY! OH MY GOD!”

And she’ll be like: “Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Calm down. CAAC HAAAK CAAA CAAA. I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE TV. YOU’RE AT THE TRAIN STATION? I DON’T UNDERSTAND? LISTEN, YOU KNOW I DON’T LIKE TO TALK DURING “ALL MY CHILDREN. I’M SORRY CRANKY. CALL ME LATER WHEN THE SHOW IS OVER.” Click.

It’s sad, this sitting in front of the TV all the time thing. I’ve tried to get her to go to a movie and she asks; “How much does it cost? Oh forget it! I could buy a whole pack of cigarettes for THAT.” I tell her I’ll pay, but she says: “Sorry Cranky, you can’t smoke in there. CAAA HAAAA KAAAK HAAAAA.”

She has never expressed any interest in going anywhere. Then out of the blue, she started asking about the Shinnecock Indians. “Maybe we could take a ride there sometime.” I think this is totally amazing and a big break through, until I later find out she’s trying to figure out a way to buy cheap cigarettes from the Indians.
I think the soap opera she loves is a bad influence. I know she thinks, “Look at Erika – she’s beautiful, she’s rich – look at all her problems. She’s been in jail, she’s always in trouble, it’s really safer just staying on the couch, look at what can happen when you get involved with people.”

Sometimes I get so worried about my crazy relatives that I end up looking through their prescriptions to see if I can find anything good and steal something from them to help me relax because I’m so worried about them. But I don’t. I just stay cranky.

I know my crazy relatives think I’m insane, because I will spend twelve dollars on salt or something, but actually there is a deep underlying philosophy there. Enjoy the little things in life, because the BIG THINGS REALLY SUCK.