Posts Tagged 'No Oysters For You'

Celebrity In the Hood

A celebrity has moved into my neighborhood. A big one. And the funny thing is, I could compose a personality profile based on the sightings my friends have told me about.

First Sighting. A health food restaurant. Eating by himself in the early evening and talking animatedly with the owner. Seen in the same restaurant at the same time like 4 nights in a row. Always by himself.




  1. Spends a lot of time alone- as this restaurant delivers- shows he needs to get out around people after probably spending many hours alone.
  2. Likes to eat healthy.

Second Sighting. At an AA meeting. Have a friend who is devotee. There is a rule about not revealing who you see in meetings, but I assume this flies out the window where celebrities are concerned. “Wow”, I say to my friend, “That must mean he doesn’t drink.” “I don’t think so”, my friend says, “He said, “”Hello, my name is Blank,” he should have said, “”Hello, my name is blank and I’m an alcoholic. That’s how you address the group at meetings. I think he still drinks and just goes in and out of the rooms.” My friend did not like his outfit. Pleated khakis, white sox and a too short barn jacket. (Isn’t it amazing the detail we can remember about celebrities? The poor things.)



         1.Sober? – inconclusive.

  1. Single– definitely – white sox outside of the gym.

Third Sighting. Another friend witnesses him get drunk at a small local restaurant, which is an upscale imitation of an English country pub. It can only be described as precious. The little velvet throw pillows on the banquette, the faux antique clocks, the chef with the ponytail. It has the air of one of those places where you have to impress the staff if you ever want to get a table again. Well, Mr. Celebrity is sighted in there getting totally drunk alone at the bar and grabbing the balls of the bartender over something that sends Mr. Famous into a rage. I don’t think he is ever going to get to sample the delicately fried oysters with a hint of shaved lemon peel. (My fav, natch- close to the clam.)



1.My friend of the second sighting proves herself once more to be amazingly intuitive (is it all the yoga she does?)

  1. He’s another psycho celebrity.
  2. AA hasn’t sunken in.
  3. Loneliness confirmed again – drinking alone.

Fourth Sighting. My squash coach sits with him at the pizza parlor and finds out Mr. Famous cannot play squash because he blew his knees out playing football. Now that I think of it, he does look a bit meat heady jock like from Connecticut.




  1. Was once big man on campus.
  2. Career testosterone driven.


Isn’t it amazing all we’ve learned from my observant friends? Can you imagine people noticing every detail about you every time they see you? Like the times you’re out of coffee and go to the Korean Deli without washing your face or brushing your teeth? Or the times I walked the dog in pajamas and a long coat? I would be pegged as a madwoman in a week.

What I take away from this is knowing I would NEVER ever submit myself to eating in that health food place with the hardwood uncomfortable chairs, the constant din of blenders making smoothies, the horrible blasting 80’s music, the service from another planet (crochet caps and tattoos the regulation uniform). No, I get it delivered. This makes me feel just a tiny bit better about not being famous.


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March 2023

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