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The Urgent Email

Sometimes, as a writer, the universe just throws something into your lap. All you gotta do is recognize it. Like the emails I go recently from a fledgling director studying film at NYU.

The messages I got were marked URGENT.

I have changed the name of the director to protect the innocent. (Or is it guilty?)

The First Message:

Hello, everyone! My name is Joe and I am the Director/Writer/Co-Producer of this little venture. I have been trying to obtain a space for auditions at NYU for the coming week, but since classes don’t begin until the following week, it’s taking longer than I expected to get requests and approvals through the system. I would like to have auditions on Thursday and Friday in the afternoon; should that work out, I will send a message with schedules by Tuesday at the latest. I know that is kind of short notice to prepare something, but the facilities are closed next weekend and I have a very packed class schedule. I wanted to have auditions early so as to avoid having them on the weekend, but once classes start, my only free day is Tuesday, so if they don’t happen this week, the following Tuesday will be the earliest possible date.
As for what you should prepare for the audition, bring whatever material will help you give your best performance in the audition.
Thank you for responding to the casting call, and I hope to see you all next week.
Joe

Information I Need To Know: O
Reason for Sending Email: Unclear

The Second Message:

Hello again! I wanted to send this out yesterday, but the Internet in my building went out and hasn’t returned. I had to go to my sister’s apartment to send this out. Hopefully it’ll be back on tomorrow.

An update on the auditions: apparently the audition rooms aren’t open to me until the semester begins, which is information that, for some reason, wasn’t available until I went through the whole application process. Unfortunately, this means that I won’t be able to hold auditions until the 24th and 25th. I know that the weekend is hard for most people, and I will try to arrange a room for that following Tuesday as well (the 27th), but unfortunately the system doesn’t open up until the 20th. I will try to create a schedule that will be easy for everyone.

Also, I’ve gotten messages from several of you asking whether you should prepare a monologue or if there will be sides. The answer is: whatever you feel is best for you. If you want to do a monologue or sides of your choosing, just bring them in. If you want to see the script and maybe perform sides from that, just tell me and I’ll get it to you as soon as possible.
Thank you for your time, and I’m sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.
Joe

Information I Need To Know: 0
Reason for sending email: Unclear

Dude, skip to the end. What the fuck do you want me to do? Where do you want me to go and when? Figure it out BEFORE you email me. Don’t make me read about your internet, your sister and your application process.

My Response to Joe:

Dear Joe –

I would like to suggest you skip directing and take up writing, as you obviously like to write, even when you have absolutely nothing to say. As I writer, I can tell you that it does not require the organizational skills of a director. If you can figure out which couch to sit on and what hours you will not be watching reality TV, you are good to go on a career as a writer.

The mental machinations exhibited in this email would be hilarious in a work of fiction. But sadly, they are not funny as something someone wrote in order to actually accomplish anything. You are wasting your talents. I have heard NYU costs a mint. I hope your parents are wealthy.

Sincerely,

Cranky

Of course I would NEVER send this. The poor thing. He was over excited. But, I will be “out of town” for the 24th and 25th and will miss the debacle that is sure to be Joe’s audition.

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