The No Notice Audition

I got home yesterday afternoon after doing six loads of laundry at the local laundromat. The laundromat that uses all the machines to do laundry for people who have their laundry picked up and dropped off. Cranky used to be one of those people. But tough times call for drastic action like doing your own laundry.

It’s not a people friendly place this laundromat. Because there is no room for people. It is so narrow that no matter where you are you are in the way. Putting your clothes in the washer- you’re in the way. Taking them out of the dryer- you’re in the way. Folding your laundry- you’re in the way. It’s so narrow it’s like a bowling alley lined with washing machines and dryers.

And everyone hates doing laundry, so everyone there is disgruntled. Especially the maids who are there doing other people’s laundry. So it was me and the maids yesterday. And Jose the laundry man. Jose, who used to deliver my laundry in better times. Jose, who looked at me like “What are you doing here?” when I walked in pushing my loser shopping cart. Jose, who had to explain to me, “Put quarters in three time.” When I put one round of quarters in and stared at the machine confusedly when it didn’t spin. Jose, with the huge sweat rings under his arms, because not only is it cramped, it has no air conditioning and maintains a steady temperature of 100 degrees.

So I spent the afternoon sweating like a bull and having people say; “Excuse me!” “Excuse me!” “Excuse Me!” Even though I had spent three hours at the gym the night before, I did not wash my hair because I knew the laundry sweat sauna was on deck for the next day.

I get home at three o’clock and there is an email from a casting agent asking me to come in before 7pm for a call for a print ad. Usually I would think, “Oh please, are they kidding?” But tough times require that Cranky tough it out. So even though I have dirty horrible hair, blood shot eyes and am traumatized from the sauna/laundromat I have to go.

They say they want you to come in looking like a fifties housewife. I get out the heat rollers I haven’t used in ten years, plug them in and hop in the shower. No time to wash my hair. Get out. Put rollers in dirty hair. Use half a bottle of Visine to remove the blood shot eyes from laundry heat aggravation. Put on a blouse, a ton of pearls and red lipstick and pink blush only on the cheeks.

I run down to the elevator and practically run over my neighbor who is getting off. He says; “Hey Cranky! You look beautiful.” This is great because I was afraid I was looking like a dork. We all need someone to say we look good when we are on the way to an audition.

I get to the office and the audition is a three second mug shot session. They tell me to look proud. “Stand on the T and hold your number near your face.” SNAP. “Turn and face left.” SNAP. “Face forward and look proud and warm.” SNAP.

So SNAP I am outta there, and for six blocks I wondered if my proud expression was effusive enough. It’s hard to look proud. Was I proud of someone else? (I went with this one.) Or proud of myself? Or proud as in arrogant? Or proud that I have clean laundry? I keep making the face I made for the last shot as I walk down the street. Does it FEEL proud enough? Do I look like a psycho walking down Sixth Avenue?

It’s amazing how much post audition analytical thought can be spawned by the three-second audition. Especially when I am doing my own laundry.

7 Responses to “The No Notice Audition”

  1. 1 pandabox33 October 12, 2009 at 11:45 am

    Wow. I stumbled on your blog through and just couldn’t resist adding you to my blogroll. Your blog is such a good read. 🙂

  2. 3 Jose October 11, 2009 at 8:42 pm

    Yo, Cranky! U need, like, uh, 3 moah quarters.

  3. 4 WHEVERgeek September 19, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    Hey, best of luck with the results of your audition! I love your writing style!

  4. 6 tiredsecy September 17, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    I will admit that I absolutely love doing laundry. It’s meditative to me to watch the wet laundry sloshing back and forth in that circular window. I can just clear my mind and just listen to the hum of the machines and just…chill. Then throw everything in the dryer and then folding it all up and taking it back to my apartment. There’s nothing like fresh sheets, towels and clothing — I sleep easier on fresh clean bedsheets and love clean fluffy towels to dry off with after a nice shower. That’s just me. It’s just luxurious to me. We have it easy — not that long ago, people had to beat their clothing on rocks and go to a river or crank their laundry through something or scrub it against a laundry board with lye soap. We have it good nowadays.

    My advice? Change laundromats. More and more, huge 24 hour laundromats are opening up. In my old neighborhood, there were five laundromats to choose from all within a five block radius in all directions.

    I can’t remember the last time I sent my laundry to be done by strangers. It’s just something about someone else handling my delicates that just skeeves me. I’d much rather do my own.

    Break a leg on that audition – did you get it?

  5. 7 6F September 11, 2009 at 1:57 am

    So enjoy your style, especially last paragraph.

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