Cranky Goes Bi-Coastal

Like everyone else, I have my depressing fucking moments. Like lately.

It is interesting that one of the most popular searches that bring readers to my blog is; “I’m so depressed I can’t function.”

Like I can relate. Like my last post was May fucking 18th. Like I don’t like this divorce business. Like I like things to stay the same. Like maybe my joke: “I would throw myself off the Brooklyn Bridge except I’m afraid of heights!” isn’t really so funny funny.

So one must remember the good things. Like the fact that right now as I am writing this I am resting my head on a dog pillow. A live dog that is. My dog who sits on the back of the couch while I write and lets me rest my head on her. How bad can things be if you can feel a dog breathing?

An actress friend of mine is listing on facebook everyday the things she DID accomplish. I could make a list of the things I MEANT to accomplish and it would be quite impressive.

Anyway back to the positive. My auditions might be nuttily slow right now, but I must remember that for months I was actually on a poster on both coasts:

For HBO.

A big poster. I went and took a picture of one of the posters in a parking lot in Soho. The attendant looked at the poster and looked at me and said; “Oh! That’s you! That’s you!” My one celebrity moment in a life of anonymity.

How did I get the job?

A casting director emailed me. And of course because it paid money and was bi-coastal and for HBO I was major nervous. I excel at deferred pay, low-budget contract no stakes auditions. Oh yeah. I own the room. But put me in the big time and I fold like a badly put up boy scout tent.

On the way there I think about how this reaction is not going to give me the results I want. So my mantra as I walk up Sixth Avenue is; “Don’ t fuck up. Don’t fuck up. Don’t fuck up.”

I go in,go to the sign in sheet, and look down and see the most beautiful shoes I have ever seen. The actress tells me they are Monolo Blahniks.”Is there a whole different life for people who audition for big LA casting directors?”I ask myself. “Is it a world of beautiful shoes?”

Then she sits down and switches into her pumps and they Christian Laboutins. I swear. Christian Laboutins. On an actress. I thought we were all Daffy’s queens. What’s up with this?

I become obsessed with the shoes.

I ask her about them. She tells me her husband bought them for her and they were1000 bucks. Really? Well good for you. Oh yeah? Well my husband bought me a gift once too! WHEN WE WERE DATING.

Cranky has always had taste. Even as a small child if asked which item of clothing she preferred in a department store she would invariably point her chubby little childhood finger at the most expensive item. My parents thought it was hilarious.

The actress actually looks like a blond version of Audrey Hepburn. A gamin, a pixie. She is up for the same print ad. Really? Should I go home now?

But then I remember my idol Ruth Gordon who always talked about how it takes courage to make it. One of my favorite quotes of hers:

“To get it right, be born with luck or else make it. Never give up. Get the knack of getting people to help you and also pitch in yourself. A little money helps, but what really gets it right is to never — I repeat — never under any conditions face the facts.”

So Cranky ignores the facts and is happy and charming in the room with the casting director as they snap pictures. Cranky forgets about the pixie with the 1000-dollar shoes. And Cranky gets on the poster and the pixie is nowhere to be seen.

20 Responses to “Cranky Goes Bi-Coastal”

  1. 1 Anonymous August 18, 2013 at 6:02 am

    Love your blog! Thanks for making me feel like I’m not cray for going to auditions where they ask you to do some idiotic exercise like feel the air with your lower intestine. Great post!

  2. 2 Anonymous July 13, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    Dear Cranky – I am too. I am a NYC actress and I have a blog: luvyhowl. I’m guessing we’ve probably been at three-of-us for the same call many times. Would like to chat with you and share war stories…maybe there’s a lucrative soul-diminishing reality TV show for us? My last post (in 2012) is particularly cranky…but scroll back for more “sunshine”.

  3. 3 Fla March 25, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    Hey Cranky! Just stopping by to let you know your posts are missed, very much so! I’m sure it’s the case for many other of your readers as well 🙂 Hope all is well, and that you come back sometime soon! All best!

    • 4 nycactress March 26, 2013 at 12:03 am

      Thanks – my life sucks right now – in divorce/survival mode. Will I ever get my life back?

      • 5 flabiur March 27, 2013 at 3:35 pm

        Yeah you will. Probably not the same one, but hopefully even a better one. Just keep going and after some more months on survival mode it’ll eventually get better. I tend to think that things, in the big picture, tend to generally get better, even when slowly so, and when aiming at it. But I’m an annoying optimist, so hey, just some humble thoughts really. It’s alright if you find blogging to be just a pain in the butt right now. BUT, if it does make you feel any better, just keep posting. Because you have a great blog, and I imagine the fact of people appreciating it and commenting, etc., must only be good thing.

        • 6 nycactress March 28, 2013 at 4:11 pm

          I WROTE a post- you inspired me. Next thing I will buy a notebook! Thank you.

        • 7 flabiur March 31, 2013 at 12:59 pm

          Yeyy! Cool! You’re very welcome, I’m glad to see you’re back! All the best to you and keep the good work comin’! 🙂

    • 8 Anonymous March 26, 2013 at 12:16 am

      I have no doubt about it, CrAct. None whatsoever. ☺ You ARE loved.

  4. 9 Sassafrass August 20, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    Cranky, I answered an audition notice and it turned out to be a “fundraiser/casting party” at a club, with a FIVE HOUR open window (no scheduled audition times)! They graciously said they would waive the $10 cover to enter if actors brought their headshots and resumes with them. I immediately thought of how you would react to such a soul-crusher of an “audition.”

  5. 10 nycactress August 14, 2012 at 12:44 am

    Eva! This is great. This is why I am not doing yoga and exercising to help mood – I’M AN IDIOT!

    My new to-do list: change life tomorrow.



  6. 12 Chairman Moe August 8, 2012 at 11:38 am

    We know that wouldn’t be Cranky if you weren’t, well, cranky, but try to smile a few times today, and breathe in whatever good karma comes your way. There are a lot of us out here in the ether who are pulling for you.

  7. 13 Hariklia August 6, 2012 at 11:24 pm

    What a fabulous quote. Don’t give up Cranky. You can write, you are funny and you seem to have perspective. $1,000 for shoes! When there are people who don’t have enough to eat – the world is mad.

  8. 14 Sassafrass August 6, 2012 at 8:54 pm

    Better be careful, the youth are going to take your “How bad can things be if you can feel a dog breathing?” and embroider it on pillows and sell them for $125 on the internet.

    PS. I love you.

  9. 16 jaslinc August 5, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    I really care what happens to Cranky. So that is beautiful.

  10. 17 TheManInTheYellowHat August 5, 2012 at 1:38 am

    That’s the Cranky we love. The one who perseveres. Fuck the the $1k shoes.

  11. 18 Croneandbearit August 5, 2012 at 1:35 am

    I have loved Ruth Gordon for years (May she rest in peace). Been wondering where you were.Listen to Ruth and never give up. And if your head was up high where it should be, you’d never notice the shoes. 🙂

  12. 19 Debby August 5, 2012 at 1:26 am

    You are still going onward and upward. You can’t functionally do that trek in Manolo Blahniks. Look back when you get to the apex!

  13. 20 midilifecrisis August 5, 2012 at 12:49 am

    Well, Cranky, FWIW, one of your biggest fans is on the left coast and KNOWS big things are ahead for you.

    Aside: I had to bring someone to the ER at NY Hosp. Back in 1983 and while I sat alone in the waiting room The Ruth Gordon appeared to have some burns on her hands treated. That’s all I know but I suspected she tried to change the diaper on Rosemary’s baby.

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