Cranky Actress Blog

Got another classic email invitation for an audition yesterday
He wrote:

Hi there,
Here are the details for your audition from 3.30-5pm tomorrow. Please excuse the round robin.
I’ve mentioned that I want people to prepare a short [around a minute] ideally comic piece, I don’t mind what it is – but is should be a piece you enjoy doing! And not too long!
If you could also bring a copy of your headshot and resume that would be great [and a yoga mat if you have one to hand, the floor is stone so we may use them to save our knees].
I am so excited by the quality of the submissions and the sessions should be really fun, banish any nervousness and just come play!
Any questions please shoot me an email otherwise I’ll see you tomorrow.
Chad

I have no idea what he means by “round robin”. The only “round robin” I know about is the one on Tuesday nights at my gym when I go to play squash with a bunch of other people and we switch around. Round Robin? And my appointment is from 3:30pm UNTIL 5pm? Huh? And I am expected to spend an hour and a half at an initial audition? Wrong. At union calls, if you are kept over a certain amount of time they have to PAY YOU. He refers to a piece I enjoy doing? Oh, oh, oh, OK. Great idea. Oh wow. I was gonna do one that I HATE. This will really be something different. Thanks for that brilliant idea. But even if I am “enjoying” it, he makes sure its NOT TOO LONG, saving himself from the extra 60 seconds of boredom in case it totally sucks. Also, he too many exclamation points always seem like the product of a warped mind to me. I find them scary.
Bring a yoga mat for our knees? To save us from the stone floor? What are we going to be doing? Begging for the role? And I love that this bomb is in parentheses. You’ll be kneeling on the floor- but don’t think about that! What is he talking about? Don’t you think a little explanation is in order? What if I went wearing the plaid straight skirt that I have to hold my breath in and we’re expected to jump around or something? Or sit down? “Banish any nervousness?” I wasn’t nervous until I read this email.

Once again this proves the fact that any idiot can “put on a show.” And the sucky reality that people think actors will do anything for a chance at a role. Believe me, I know working is important. But I also think it’s important to have LIMITS. If I went I would not be happy with myself. I would feel like a moron. And I don’t think I would click artistically with this type of person. You know, a stupid one.

The email showed the names of all the actors he was inviting to this round robin of on your knees on the stone floor waste half a day audition. So I hit reply all and sent the below email to him and all the actors on the list:

Hi Chad,
Thanks for inviting me and all.
Sorry to say I won’t be there.
The Midtown Festival is great. I had a play in it ,and it was all very well run.
I’m not morally comfortable with asking actors to invest an hour and a half for an initial audition. So even though it sounds like an awesome project – I must do what I think is right.
Cranky

Once again, I feel like the Norma Rae of the acting world. I can just see the rally – CRANKY ACTRESSES UNITE –everyone in their high-heel boots and tons of Mac mascara and everything.