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I Want The Benefits of Meditating I Really Do

They say mediation is good for creativity and effectiveness. I want to be more creative. I want to be more effective. But, I’m not sure Cranky’s mind is well suited to meditation.

I take the occasional yoga class. I know it’s really good because I hurt so much the next day I can barely put a blouse on.
I don’t have tattoos or piercings or anything, so I don’t totally fit in there.

The first time I went to a class in the East Village I asked a guy who was waiting outside class a question and he didn’t answer me. He was observing silence. It was my first time there. Nice. They had a dishtowel that everyone dried their hands on after using the bathroom to save paper. That freaked me out.

This week at the end of class we did some meditating. Oh good, I thought. This will be good for me. I will become a better actor. Even our president meditates. Look how successful he is.

So here is how it went for Cranky:
I started out trying to just focus on my breath like the instructor suggested.
Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, I remembered I forgot to buy English Muffins and I know I was supposed just let the thoughts go, but I thought if I did that, I would forget that I forgot. So I wanted to remember, so I was thinking English Muffins, English Muffins, English Muffins, English Muffins English Muffins over and over and over so I would remember to buy them.

Then that seemed like a mantra or something, ENGLISH MUFFINS, and that struck me kind of funny and I had to keep myself from LAUGHING OUT LOUD.

Then I tried to do the other thing the instructor said, and think about nothing. So I kept thinking NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING. Then I realized that thinking the word NOTHING is actually thinking SOMETHING so I don’t think I understood that one.

Then I remembered that the teacher said, “Don’t do yoga for small selfish reasons,” and I thought, “How about big selfish reasons? How about MY BIG FAT ASS?” Which also struck me funny, again.

Then I wondered if I kept meditating if I would come up with a career that I would be happy and successful in. The week before, while meditating, got the idea that I could start my own business giving instant makeovers on the photo line at the DMV. But when I came down from my yoga endorphin high, it didn’t seem like such a great idea.

This time I got the thought that I could rent myself out to the weather channel as a human barometer because you can tell the exact level of humidity by the size of my hair. Is this what is called the inspiration that comes from meditation? I don’t know.

Anyway, then I tried to go on to this joy thing the teacher told us about but then right away I thought about how the girl in front of me had on this great bandanna and I wondered if I had a bandanna on if I would be a better meditator. ESPECIALLY IF IT WAS IN A NICE PAISLEY. It might hold my thoughts in or something. And then I wondered if they had one in the yoga shop downstairs. Then I wondered what else they had in that shop and I decided to go there immediately after class was over.
Then I got this itch. And I didn’t know what to do. I know we’re supposed to sit still. But an unscratched itch is excruciating. And I was like, “Is it OK to scratch it?” And I have my eyes closed and I didn’t know if anyone is looking at me, which also became a weird feeling. But I didn’t want to disappoint the teacher and move before the time was up or something, but the itch became like real torture. But I didn’t let myself move. And then finally the teacher said we could come out of it and I like never enjoyed scratching an itch so much. Which maybe for me, was what I got out of it.

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1 Response to “I Want The Benefits of Meditating I Really Do”


  1. 1 senior Pathwords Partner March 7, 2009 at 5:53 am

    When I am having trouble meditating in yoga and unable to scratch that pesky itch, I repeat the words of my guru, Ms. Lady Marmalade, as a mantra:

    “Mmm Hmmm Itchy, Itchy Ya Ya Da Da
    Itchy, itchy, Ya Ya
    Here.
    Om sister, soul sister, Om sister, Soul Sister”


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