Keep Your Gizzard Neck, Thank You

Just got a really great email asking me to audition for a project. This is not a joke. I swear. This is real. Verbatim.
Get a load of this:

Dear Cranky:
My name is John-Paul Dunderhead. I am the director of the untitled television comedy pilot that is being produced through Fire on the Roof Productions My producer and I recently reviewed your submission for the role of Bubba’s Mother and would like to have you audition, if you are still interested. We are holding auditions in NYC on Friday, March 13th, from noon until 5 p.m.
Also, I am requesting that actors auditioning for the role of the mother give the role of the Boo’s Grandmother consideration. I believe that the character of the Grandmother to be more interesting and will fun to play. Also, the Grandmother has many more reoccurring scenes in other episodes we are writing. Because of the age gap between Boo’s Grandmother and Bubba’s Mother, I have found a talented make-up artist who will be willing to make the transformation. I am aware that you did not ask for this role, but please give it consideration and let me know whether or not you are interested.
Thank you for your consideration and we hope to hear from you soon.

This is wrong on so many levels. Who the hell are Bubba and Boo and how are they related to each other?
Thinking it’s a good idea to have an actress play someone born an eon before them, is ridiculous. Kate Winslet can pull it off for FIVE MINUTES at the end of a movie. A big Hollywood movie, with like ten-hour makeup sessions. But if she had to play the old lady in the movie from beginning to end, we’d want to shoot ourselves, and her. The whole time the audience would be totally distracted. They’d be asking themselves; “Why didn’t they get an old lady actress to play an old lady?”
John sounds like he belongs in the era of Mickey Rooney playing a Japanese man in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” by having funny teeth and squinting his eyes. Or else John has done too many high school plays where high school seniors spray white in their hair and put on “Our Town.”

No John. What actress who has just started playing boring Mom’s wants to jump into playing the next generation? I’m sure you could find actresses between the ages of 100 and 110 willing to START transitioning into grandma roles.
And trying to convince us by telling us we will get more screen time wearing a chicken-like gizzard neck is not gonna help. Oh, NO THANK YOU.


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