Archive for March 24th, 2009

I’m So Depressed It Makes Me Happy or Am I Happy I’m Depressed?

The good thing about being an actress is that you can easily access your emotions. The bad thing about being an actress is that you can easily access your emotions.

I have to be careful to try to overlook certain things in life or they will send me into a weeklong depression.
Like a fish in a tank or a bird in a cage. I’ve trained myself. LOOK AWAY. LOOK AWAY. LOOK AWAY. Don’t think about the fish in the tank or the bird in the cage. What the fuck kind of life is that? I mean my life is not that great, but at least I can take a walk down the block! What can the fish in the tank and the bird in a cage do? NOTHING. The fish, little circles. The bird back and forth on the perch. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t take it.

They even have a fish tank at my hairdressers. Why why why? I asked about it and was told the owner loves her fish. IF SHE LOVED HER FISH, SHE WOULD FREE HER FISH!

I once saw a beautiful raven in a stupid cage in the Children’s Zoo in Central Park and I though about it for a week. I lost sleep. I kept seeing it. Standing there. I wanted so badly to call them, but I knew they would think I was a crackpot. (Don’t say it!)

I send money to the animal organizations, but I cannot under any circumstances read their pamphlets. No. No. No. These things feed into my natural cranky melancholic state.

And now I am losing soul mates to anti-depressants every day. My soul buddy of years and I always used to say, “summer is overrated,” and laugh. We like the dark. We like the cold. We like to stay in the house and read under a lap blanket. We always dreaded summer. Now suddenly, yesterday, she announced that this year she is not dreading summer at all. Ever since she started anti-depressants she is looking forward to it. LOOKING FORWARD TO IT? What? We have dreaded summer together for fifteen years. Now she has gone over to the sunny side.

I have another friend I’ve always thought of as another brother, especially because his favorite saying is, “It’s all been a horrible mistake.” Now he’s all positive and helpful around the house and I barely know him. He’s going to parties now. He is a victim of the script. What’s up with that? He must be taking the same prescription as my friend.
This actually made me question whether or not I’m depressed. The answer was maybe a little, but I like myself this way so fuck off I am not taking a pill. I just have to do the right amount of exercise to generate enough endorphins to function in the world, that’s all. I do allow myself a yoga high. I feel really good about life for about one hour and forty-five minutes after doing yoga.

I think actually feeling things is good for creativity. I mean, just imagine Edgar Allan Poe on anti-depressants. See what I mean?

Even as a kid, I kind of reveled in my melancholy. I’d hibernate in my room and play music and be alone. Which actually made me happy which is actually kinda contradictory. This may seem totally nuts. But if you refer back to “Cranky and Her Crazy Relatives” you will see that I am actually doing really well.

P.S. – Spring has arrived in Brooklyn- just saw two pigeons mating on a fire escape.


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March 2009

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